DId I Say That?

Back in what seems like the Paleolithic era, before warp drive and Instagram influencers, back when we still understood deep concepts like right and wrong, a very famous psychiatrist named … read more

Mother’s Day has come and gone, and I hope you got your mother something nice. If you’re a mother, I really hope those cheapskates you gave birth to opened their … read more

While I was at McDonald’s on a covert operation that I didn’t want anybody to know about, I bought a Big Mac and a Filet-O-Fish, but passed on the fries … read more

Back when I was a kid, curmudgeons would gather around the cracker barrel or pickle barrel or sports bar urinal to discuss the major problems of the day — from … read more

We all know someone who wants to get fixed up or someone who needs to get fixed up … or someone who probably wishes they never got fixed up. My … read more

My birthday passed with little fanfare a couple of weeks ago. No hoopla, no celebration, no criminal activity, just some quiet desperation, as Thoreau would say. To cheer myself up, … read more

After watching a History Channel documentary about inventions that changed civilization, I was inspired by the great minds whose creations let the rest of us dimwits sit back and enjoy … read more

After some shingles blew off our roof during a windstorm, we called a contractor to repair the damage. Everything was going according to plan until he informed me that the … read more

My family has my future planned. They intend to drop me off at the train station with a round-trip ticket to Manhattan, a bag of peanuts and a bag of … read more

When I worked the night shift at a newspaper on Long Island, I tried to sleep during the day, but the 13-year-old in the apartment above us was constantly blasting … read more