DId I Say That?

I’m beginning to think I can trust my horoscope more than I can trust science, especially after reading a study that said people who eat red meat and cheese will … read more

You’ve heard of the city that never sleeps? Well, I live in the house that never sleeps. Never. We’re like a cellblock of insomniacs. You see, insomnia is as contagious … read more

Experts say that in years to come, everyone will have four or five careers … and each one will pay less than the last one. I recently met a woman … read more

To my thinking, there’s nothing more rewarding in life than free junk. You know, the stuff sitting by the side of the road or at the dump, just waiting to … read more

Lawlessness is spreading through the suburbs. Landscapers and homeowners in our troubled land are wielding leaf blowers like weapons of minor destruction, sending grass clippings and debris onto the sidewalks … read more

Last week, our neighbor gave us a casualty report from the frontlines in the war on woodchucks. He sustained heavy losses in hand-to-hand combat. Peppers, zucchini, cucumbers … all gone. … read more

I recently got a letter from my high school, asking for a donation. I was prepared to contribute several million dollars even if I had to ask Donald Trump for … read more

“HEY YOU, CUTTING THE LAWN! CAN YOU GIVE ME DIRECTIONS TO THE GRAND CANYON?” I think I’m the last person alive who asks for directions. It used to be such … read more

After 30 years, I finally bought an air conditioner. Thirty years of torment, tossing and turning at night, perspiring and panting. Thirty years of discomfort and pain, trying to devise … read more

During the past month, I’ve been cursing a lot … at Watson. I really hate to swear at computers. It’s a bad habit that started in the ’80s when we … read more