Editorial: Dear Darien

Dear Darien,

We just wanted to say thank you.
Trying to live a life of crime is dangerous and often unproductive, but not when we visit you!
You kind, considerate people offer us an open door.
Literally.
We can still remember that exciting moment when we got our first iPhone, out of your glove compartment.
Or that jackpot of thousands of dollars of cash you conveniently left behind, without locking the car.
Then there was the full set of golf clubs! And your MacBook. Another time it was newly-laundered dry cleaning, including many expensive dresses.
We could spend all day at the mall and not obtain what we can leave with in one night in Darien.

And then there’s the super bonus, when we find an unopened car with keys in it. That type of excitement is usually relegated to Price is Right contestants.
A new car!
It is also convenient and considerate that we are able to find several cars in a row on the same block that are all unlocked. Time is money, as they say!
We are so overwhelmed with your thoughtfulness, even after you’ve been cautioned numerous times by the Darien Police Department and this newspaper to lock up your valuables. You still continue to be the gift that keeps on giving.
In fact, your generosity has been so overwhelming that we simply can’t keep it to ourselves.
We make sure to share the news of your open door policy with all of our friends from near and far.
So Darien, we again say thank you. Without you, we would not be able to keep up this lifestyle.
We would not be able to keep Darien Police busy following up on dozens of easily preventable crimes on a daily basis. Without you, we might have to go to another town, or maybe stop stealing.
But no, you are our easily invaded Emerald City that keeps on paying off.
So thank you, Darien.
We’ll see you tomorrow, under the cover of darkness.
But you won’t see us.

Sincerely,

Your friendly local criminals